Halliburton World Conquest, Inc.

Classified

Cheney W. Halliburton — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 15:26:06 +0000

Effective immediately, the work of Halliburton World Conquest, Inc., needs to be conducted under the utmost secrecy. If the projects we’re working on fail, the company and its employees will almost certainly be liquidated — the company via court receivership, the people in a really big blender.

However, if our work is successful, we’ll have to change our identities and go into hiding so the new regime can’t sanitize its backstory via court receivership and a really big blender.

Hey, nobody said this line of work was easy to live with.

Or, you know, through.

Joe Biden v2.1

Cheney W. Halliburton — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 05:33:09 +0000

We’re still working the bugs out of our new replacement animatronic Vice President.

We can’t seem to get its IQ low enough to pass for real.

(pause for more evil laughter)

Cheney W. Halliburton — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 22:02:09 +0000

Actually, I haven’t stopped laughing since my last post.

Makes it damn hard to get any work done.

(pause for evil laughter)

Cheney W. Halliburton — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 12:57:15 +0000

“I probably should have warned them that the delivery system has a tendency to backfire.”

Did I say “tendency?”

Please Stand By

Cheney W. Halliburton — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 17:49:42 +0000

Still working on repairing the site, but Acorn’s operation was a success.

Although far from contented, the ornery critter is at least gainfully employed now, making TV commercials for Chick-fil-A — and is up for the lead in “Back to the Barnyard on Ice.”

Update: There we go.

ARRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

Cheney W. Halliburton — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 11:42:20 +0000

Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for this… spectacle. Please bear with me until I can return to the office and do two things: first, repair the site.

Second, schedule my little sibling for species reassignment surgery.

Maybe something with hooves…

What the world needs now

Acorn W. Halliburton — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 04:01:53 +0000

…is love, sweet love.

Hi, I’m Acorn.

My evil, greedy brother, Cheney, is away on (shudder) business right now, so I’ve taken over this site in the name of Multicultural Youth Against Sexual Stereotypes.

Two grand? Are you kidding me?

Cheney W. Halliburton — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 13:39:47 +0000

Democrats are in a stir about allegations someone high up at the Republican National Committee (motto: “Don’t call us the Stupid Party — it has too many syllables.”) spent $2,000 of RNC money at a strip club in West Hollywood (via trolls here).

Isn’t it ironic that people who complain about Republicans’ alleged obsession with other people’s sex lives, are obsessed with the sex lives of Republicans?

Anyway, I find this report unbelievable. I go through more than two grand every day having lunch at The Naughty Capitalist Gentlemen’s Club and Dinner Theater.

Curse You, Diebold!

Cheney W. Halliburton — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 15:29:35 +0000

Even as HWC is churning out tons of weaponized liberalism for the U.S. Government, we’ve just learned that those scoundrels at Diebold have been shipping tons of weaponized stupidity (a much purified form of liberalism) to the Democratic National Committee, and it’s being deployed on news sites and blogs and even online comics sites this very morning.

Seeing this, I immediately opened the vault to check on the recipe I developed last week to refine liberalism into stupidity. It’s gone. Someone from Diebold broke in and stole the recipe, along with about 400 tons of liberalism that we hadn’t yet weaponized.

It won’t last them long; my process requires about 16 tons of liberalism to produce one ton of weapons-grade stupidity, but it gives Diebold a leg up on us when the next orders are placed.

Cursssse you, Diebold! We hatesss you, we does!

Satire doesn’t stand a chance

Cheney W. Halliburton — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 12:50:09 +0000

I don’t remember where I first saw that remark, but at a time like this it does seem too true to be funny.

Where does the fault lie for the present predicament? Give me a break — there’s more than enough blame to go around. Congressional Democrats and Barack Obama are the proximate cause, but for some that’s not enough.

Spineless Republican leaders contributed to the Democrats’ victories in 2006 and 2008, failing voters so spectacularly that many decided they had no choice but to punish the GOP — despite warnings the outcome would be even more punishing for the punishers.

George W. Bush? His defenders point out that the federal deficit didn’t really take off until after the 2006 elections, but he was one of those failed Republican leaders, what with his Amnesty-By-Any-Other-Name attempt, his Harriet Miers attempt, and his signature on McCain-Feingold.

And then there are the voters themselves — again, because they cut off their noses to spite their faces in ’06 and ’08 — but also because they let 9/11 and the Global War on Tara overshadow the fact Bush claimed to be a “compassionate” “conservative” but (leaving aside the war) the effect of his actions as President was neither.

All true. Unfortunately for the people harping on it this week, also pointless.

Ironically, the people so angry at the failures of the Stupid Party are failing to distinguish themselves from its stupidity.

There’s still a war on, and this one is taking place in our own capital. Unlike the wackos who protested the Iraq War, HWC does not support the troops when they shoot their officers.