Halliburton World Conquest, Inc.

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Archive for February 2010

Artificial Unintelligence

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Do you have a blog, message board or other interactive website that’s more of a cobwebsite due to lack of activity?

You can spend hours of your day logging on and off using various pseudonyms to give an appearance of traffic, but keeping the various sockpuppets straight can get to be a real hassle. And even if you could get an artificial intelligence-simulator capable of doing the work for you, such programs remain too basic to juggle multiple identities any better than you can.

That’s why we at HWC have developed Artificial Unintelligence, a new software suite that you can install on any website and just walk away. The software will populate the message board with identities that not only fit right in with most of the real people who spend way too much time on the internet, but each identity can interact with any other identity regardless of source — and each identity will be sufficiently unique and distinguishable that you could build a network TV sitcom around any four of them.

Artificial Unintelligence, by Halliburton World Conquest — nothing apes man better.

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Written by Cheney W. Halliburton

February 26, 2010 at 3:47 pm

I Probably Shouldn’t Be Telling You This

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For years now, Halliburton World Conquest, Inc., has been developing a new product for the U.S. Department of Defense as a means of defeating America’s enemies abroad.

The original idea for this product came from a comment by a well-known radio personality (who passed up the chance to get in on the ground floor with HWC at its founding, but that’s neither here nor there) about defeating America’s enemies by “exporting liberalism.”

Never ones to let a diabolical idea go unmilked, we at HWC immediately began research and development on a liberalism weapon. And we’ve succeeded beyond our wildest dreams.

How effective is it? Well, before we began testing, Detroit was a thriving metropolis.

Unfortunately, under the current administration DOD has decided not to place any orders for weaponized liberalism. But all is not lost. Congress and the President have been working on a plan to buy more than a trillion tons of our weaponized liberalism for the Department of Health and Human Services, for domestic use.

Naturally, for every weapon there is a defense, which we developed and perfected simultaneously with the weapon itself. Everyone here at HWC has it.

The rest of you? Sorry, you’re on your own.

Written by Cheney W. Halliburton

February 23, 2010 at 3:52 pm

Not-So-Global Warming

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If you’ve been wondering why Vancouver seems to be the only part of the Northern Hemisphere not encased in a block of ice, I have a confession to make.

See, we here at HWC have been putting our latest product, the Not-So-Global Warmer, through its paces. It manipulates the Earth’s magnetic field to bend the sun’s rays, just like the lens in a magnifying glass, quickly raising temperatures in the target area.

Unfortunately, physical limitations mean we can only focus solar radiation that would have struck the planet’s surface anyway, so instead of creating global warming we can only create localized warming, with a coincidental chilling effect over the rest of the globe.

That flaw would have cost us a nice, juicy contract, if the folks at the Climate Research Unit at East Anglia University hadn’t paid us up front.

Suckers.

Written by Cheney W. Halliburton

February 15, 2010 at 3:01 am

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It has come to our attention someone, perhaps from Diebold, has been leaking spreading baseless rumors that HWC is working on a commercially viable version of Portable Hole technology for release to the open market.

HWC wishes to make it clear to the world that it has never considered getting involved in that kind of thing and we have neither the theoretical basis for, nor working prototypes of, any such device.

Nor is there any truth to the accusation that a working prototype stolen from our company was responsible for Osama bin Laden’s escape from coalition forces during the attack on Tora Bora.

Furthermore, any reports that may emerge in the next few days that the person or persons responsible for these leaked reports scurrilous allegations has disappeared or been found dead under suspicious circumstances, are purely coincidental and have nothing whatsoever to do with us.

Thank you for visiting Halliburton World Conquest, Inc.

Written by Cheney W. Halliburton

February 10, 2010 at 3:12 pm

Posted in Press Releases

Teleprompter 2.0

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Ever wish you could put your words into someone else’s mouth? Halliburton World Conquest, Inc. is pleased to announce that after two years of intensive testing our exclusive Mind-Control Teleprompter technology is now ready for the open market.

If you’ve been wondering how President Obama could be duped into calling Sarah Palin a pig, or talking about U.S. Navy “corpse-men,” we can now reveal that the President has been … um, co-operating — yeah, that’s the ticket — in the final testing of this exciting new technology.

Diebold, eat your cold little hearts out!

Written by Cheney W. Halliburton

February 9, 2010 at 6:00 pm