Halliburton World Conquest, Inc.

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Archive for the ‘Press Releases’ Category

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Effective immediately, the work of Halliburton World Conquest, Inc., needs to be conducted under the utmost secrecy. If the projects we’re working on fail, the company and its employees will almost certainly be liquidated — the company via court receivership, the people in a really big blender.

However, if our work is successful, we’ll have to change our identities and go into hiding so the new regime can’t sanitize its backstory via court receivership and a really big blender.

Hey, nobody said this line of work was easy to live with.

Or, you know, through.

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Written by Cheney W. Halliburton

April 27, 2010 at 11:26 am

Posted in Press Releases

Curse You, Diebold!

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Even as HWC is churning out tons of weaponized liberalism for the U.S. Government, we’ve just learned that those scoundrels at Diebold have been shipping tons of weaponized stupidity (a much purified form of liberalism) to the Democratic National Committee, and it’s being deployed on news sites and blogs and even online comics sites this very morning.

Seeing this, I immediately opened the vault to check on the recipe I developed last week to refine liberalism into stupidity. It’s gone. Someone from Diebold broke in and stole the recipe, along with about 400 tons of liberalism that we hadn’t yet weaponized.

It won’t last them long; my process requires about 16 tons of liberalism to produce one ton of weapons-grade stupidity, but it gives Diebold a leg up on us when the next orders are placed.

Cursssse you, Diebold! We hatesss you, we does!

Written by Cheney W. Halliburton

March 29, 2010 at 11:29 am

Posted in Press Releases

Be Prepared

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Okay, yeah — we’re no Boy Scouts around here. But being prepared is useful even if you’re evil.

To that end, we’re preparing for the time when we get to cancel our employees’ health insurance, pay a nominal fine, and pass the savings on to the guy who smuggles my favorite cigars in from Havana.

You see, most of our employees have skill sets that can make things pretty hairy for a CEO who starts making … adjustments to their benefit plans. So I’ve hired a new VP of Corporate Security to watch my back when we start giving insurance the old heave-ho. His name is Hugh Jessel, and while you may not have heard of him you’ve almost certainly heard of his work on your police scanner or seen it at the local trauma center.

Now all I need to worry about is making sure Hugh is happy with his benefit plan.

Written by Cheney W. Halliburton

March 18, 2010 at 9:55 pm

Posted in Press Releases

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It has come to our attention someone, perhaps from Diebold, has been leaking spreading baseless rumors that HWC is working on a commercially viable version of Portable Hole technology for release to the open market.

HWC wishes to make it clear to the world that it has never considered getting involved in that kind of thing and we have neither the theoretical basis for, nor working prototypes of, any such device.

Nor is there any truth to the accusation that a working prototype stolen from our company was responsible for Osama bin Laden’s escape from coalition forces during the attack on Tora Bora.

Furthermore, any reports that may emerge in the next few days that the person or persons responsible for these leaked reports scurrilous allegations has disappeared or been found dead under suspicious circumstances, are purely coincidental and have nothing whatsoever to do with us.

Thank you for visiting Halliburton World Conquest, Inc.

Written by Cheney W. Halliburton

February 10, 2010 at 3:12 pm

Posted in Press Releases