Halliburton World Conquest, Inc.

Your favorite evil corporate overlords, new and improved.

Two grand? Are you kidding me?

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Democrats are in a stir about allegations someone high up at the Republican National Committee (motto: “Don’t call us the Stupid Party — it has too many syllables.”) spent $2,000 of RNC money at a strip club in West Hollywood (via trolls here).

Isn’t it ironic that people who complain about Republicans’ alleged obsession with other people’s sex lives, are obsessed with the sex lives of Republicans?

Anyway, I find this report unbelievable. I go through more than two grand every day having lunch at The Naughty Capitalist Gentlemen’s Club and Dinner Theater.

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Written by Cheney W. Halliburton

March 30, 2010 at 9:39 am

Curse You, Diebold!

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Even as HWC is churning out tons of weaponized liberalism for the U.S. Government, we’ve just learned that those scoundrels at Diebold have been shipping tons of weaponized stupidity (a much purified form of liberalism) to the Democratic National Committee, and it’s being deployed on news sites and blogs and even online comics sites this very morning.

Seeing this, I immediately opened the vault to check on the recipe I developed last week to refine liberalism into stupidity. It’s gone. Someone from Diebold broke in and stole the recipe, along with about 400 tons of liberalism that we hadn’t yet weaponized.

It won’t last them long; my process requires about 16 tons of liberalism to produce one ton of weapons-grade stupidity, but it gives Diebold a leg up on us when the next orders are placed.

Cursssse you, Diebold! We hatesss you, we does!

Written by Cheney W. Halliburton

March 29, 2010 at 11:29 am

Posted in Press Releases

Satire doesn’t stand a chance

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I don’t remember where I first saw that remark, but at a time like this it does seem too true to be funny.

Where does the fault lie for the present predicament? Give me a break — there’s more than enough blame to go around. Congressional Democrats and Barack Obama are the proximate cause, but for some that’s not enough.

Spineless Republican leaders contributed to the Democrats’ victories in 2006 and 2008, failing voters so spectacularly that many decided they had no choice but to punish the GOP — despite warnings the outcome would be even more punishing for the punishers.

George W. Bush? His defenders point out that the federal deficit didn’t really take off until after the 2006 elections, but he was one of those failed Republican leaders, what with his Amnesty-By-Any-Other-Name attempt, his Harriet Miers attempt, and his signature on McCain-Feingold.

And then there are the voters themselves — again, because they cut off their noses to spite their faces in ’06 and ’08 — but also because they let 9/11 and the Global War on Tara overshadow the fact Bush claimed to be a “compassionate” “conservative” but (leaving aside the war) the effect of his actions as President was neither.

All true. Unfortunately for the people harping on it this week, also pointless.

Ironically, the people so angry at the failures of the Stupid Party are failing to distinguish themselves from its stupidity.

There’s still a war on, and this one is taking place in our own capital. Unlike the wackos who protested the Iraq War, HWC does not support the troops when they shoot their officers.

Written by Cheney W. Halliburton

March 23, 2010 at 8:50 am

Here’s blood in your eye

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Looks like the order for weaponized liberalism is going ahead. Our clients at HHS will apparently be sharing the stuff with the IRS and various other agencies.

I probably should have warned them that the delivery system has a tendency to backfire. Oh well, caveat emptor.

Update: I’m going to violate a personal rule by promoting something without making money off it — the Repeal It bumper sticker.

Update II: Apparently not everything coming out of Wisconsin is cheesy. This Paul Ryan character shows promise.

Written by Cheney W. Halliburton

March 22, 2010 at 9:32 am

Congress hates me

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It’s only fair — I hated them first.

In particular, though, they couldn’t let me get away with making a profit on Slaughtercize®, so they’ve (allegedly) decided not to legalize it by using it themselves.

Why can’t they just let a poor, disadvantaged multi-billionaire make an honest buck?

Written by Cheney W. Halliburton

March 20, 2010 at 6:05 pm

Be Prepared

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Okay, yeah — we’re no Boy Scouts around here. But being prepared is useful even if you’re evil.

To that end, we’re preparing for the time when we get to cancel our employees’ health insurance, pay a nominal fine, and pass the savings on to the guy who smuggles my favorite cigars in from Havana.

You see, most of our employees have skill sets that can make things pretty hairy for a CEO who starts making … adjustments to their benefit plans. So I’ve hired a new VP of Corporate Security to watch my back when we start giving insurance the old heave-ho. His name is Hugh Jessel, and while you may not have heard of him you’ve almost certainly heard of his work on your police scanner or seen it at the local trauma center.

Now all I need to worry about is making sure Hugh is happy with his benefit plan.

Written by Cheney W. Halliburton

March 18, 2010 at 9:55 pm

Posted in Press Releases

Slaughtercize®

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Friends, are you tired of strict diets and strenuous exercise regimens that never take the weight off as quickly as you’d like? Depressed over crash programs that get the weight off for a few weeks, only to find that it all comes back again?

Those days are no more! With HWC’s new fitness system, Slaughtercize®, you can just deem the weight right off without giving up the foods you like — and you won’t have to carve time out of your busy day to jog or hit the gym.

Doctors tell you keeping fit requires a regular investment of time, work and willpower. They tell you that the difficulty of shedding pounds and building muscle tone is defined by your constitution. Well, we say to hell with your constitution! Who’s the boss anyway?

That’s right, you are. Want to shed fifty pounds before summer but don’t want to spend hundreds on a whole year’s worth of gym dues? Deem those pounds away with Slaughtercize®! Want to impress the ladies with your six-pack abs? Deem that spare tire away with Slaughtercize®!

And Slaughtercize® does more than replace dieting and working out. Had to give up sweets because your blood sugar is too high? Deem your diabetes away! And why pay thousands to some heart surgeon who says you need a pacemaker, when Slaughtercize® lets you deem your heart healthy for just pennies a day?

And that’s not all. With Slaughtercize® you can also get out of debt without declaring bankruptcy, by deeming your debts paid in full.

Who needs the hassle of paying a high-priced lawyer to deal with an annoying neighbor or a sleazy hit-man to snuff your nagging wife? Just use Slaughtercize® and deem your problems away.

Slaughtercize®. The miracle cure for what ails you, now available wherever HWC products are sold.

Written by Cheney W. Halliburton

March 14, 2010 at 10:27 pm